I am currently on the scout for references for award applications. Lots of people seem to think that I will not have a problem with that… maybe I don't. Not as much as some people, but I'm still worrying. I actually can't come up with a decent list of references. The people I have are all teachers, literally, even if its volunteering, its teachers. So that's not very appealing. I need some more like community people references, and I haven't really either volunteered long enough at a place to ask for their reference letter or I have not been there for such a long time that I'm worried about whether or not they will remember me, let alone give me a reference letter.
There's also university applications. I know it's next month, but its soon. Very very soon. And I'm worried. Well not so much about the applications, but more so which university to choose. I don't know where I want to go really. Like I do, but then I don't. that's weird isn't it. Like I want to go somewhere because I like the place, and it's a good school, but then it's really big competition when I get in there, so that will be hard for me. I don't want to go there and fail first year or something, that wont be good, like that will be really really bad. But then there are some people who are telling my mom to NOT recommend me to the bigshot universities cause of the competition and that some teachers there aren't as good and the lack of teacher reaction and blah blah blah. But if I don't go to the top universities, my uncle will disapprove, which is another influence on my mom. Then there are my grandparents who say that if my uncles could do it way back when (30 years ago) when they just arrived and didn't know much English, I can do it now. What type of logical thinking is that. Sheesh
So not only is it hard work and pressure for myself to choose something I want, but there is also the pressure and the factors and influences I have to consider from my friends, parents and family. It's all very terrifying… actually just more confusing. I mean, how can we chose.
Then there's the thing right now. Marks. Some teachers keep on telling us that we will no matter what get into our university of preference. So in that case we don't have to worry about marks that much – they say that knowing that even if we don't worry about marks we will still study and end up getting good marks. They tell us that its no longer the marks that matter in university but the amount of things you know and your knowledge. Which makes sense I guess. But that means that everything ive done all these years is kind of a waste. Just cause we all do so much last minute studying and what not and forget everything really quickly. I mean I have forgotten most of my stuff from last year, not to mention grade 9.
It seems like this year I am not so much concerned… no that's a bad word, I mean not so picky with the marks. Like I have changed my priority list. The marks are not top priority. Well kinda. Like they haven't affected me that much. Well it seems like it at least. I know this is confusing. Bare with me. Like I haven't gone home everyday thinking about marks. This year I have actually focused on studying and just doing better as a person and actually learning more. There have been times either at school or at home where I have said to myself that if I keep this up, my marks will drop… big time. So I'm trying to balance between extra-curriculars… the things I like to do, and also school work and marks and family.
Its really hard actually, especially with family. Like I live with my mom and I have noticed a decrease in the amount of time we spend together and talk. But that's okay because we usually talk a ridiculously large amount of nonsense and spend lots of time together, so a bit of decrease isn't that bad. However the problem is my dad. He doesn't live with me. And I'm worried about his health… life. But because he doesn't live with me its really hard because I don't even have the chance to see him often enough. Like whenever I'm busy hes free, and vice versa. So I really have to go out of my way to be with him, and the times I spend with him seem just boring sometimes. Just cause our lack of agreement on different things and our differing interests. However I sometimes sacrirfice my work time to go out and eat dinner with him or what not. But I guess like last year and the years before that of my life I have not really been like really close with my dad you can say. But to me not close, is pretty close for some people. Like my family relationships haven't been that bad so yeah. Like I've tried more to think in my dad's point of view and see why he would respond to certain things the way he does. I try to keep an open mind basically and it actually works. Ive been able to make better use of the time and end up having a good time when I spend time with him because of it. Like because he is the more laid back and slowed down type, I try to slow myself down and calm myself down. It makes things better.
Okay, I need to work
Bio is my favourite subject. Its also the hardest.. well the subject that requires most work on memorization. However I never seem to have enough time to make notes on the stuff.
I hope to do better.
I need to have faith
You'll see it when you believe it. – dr. wayne dyer.
Well that quote kinda brought me through my day and through the times when I was starting to lose hope…..
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